Valentines Day.....
I have never been a fan.  In fact the only positive to this day that I did like was I always made cupcakes for my friends at school.  With so much change this last year I shouldn't have been surprised that I didn't make cupcakes this year and I actually wanted to celebrate the day with the man I love. Now when I say celebrate I mean order a heart shaped pizza from Papa John's and stuff our faces while we watched funny movies.  No presents, no fancy dinner, just us together.  Thats what I have been wanting the most for the last week.  Kyle did give me the best present I have ever received for valentines day.  He gave me letters that I will read until the day I get to see him.  He has never been one that is love dovey but these letters make me fall in love with him more and more.  I was sad last week when I didn't get a letter but the "stupid head" (his words not mine) put his address for the send address instead of mine!  He's a goober but I love him.  Its crazy how much some days and what reminds me of him.  I never was the girl to have flings and I never dated someone just because or someone I had just met.  Kyle was different.  I knew him all of high school but senior year we became fast friends and our summer fling ended up being something I am excited to wake up to knowing he is my other half.  He makes me drive for bigger and better things and be the best person I can be.  That is someone worth fighting and waiting for.  I've never been the girl to think I will be with someone forever but with Kyle....its easy.  I know the next how many years he is in will be hard but like my mom and his mom said, if anyone can make it we can.  As boot camp gets done I find myself realizing not just you much I love Kyle but how much I need him.  With my grandpa's emergency visit/surgery and the positives going on in my life I just want to tell him everything.  He is my rock, my best friend, my hero, and the man I'm excited to spend future Valentine's days with.  10 MORE DAYS!!!!

As the news of Obama wanting to send more troops to the middle east soon to fight ISIS hit me at the heart, not only knowing this may affect Kyle but also my cousin who is in the Navy, my heart sank more when I found out my grandpa, my best friend, was admitted to the hospital today.  He was diagnosed with liver and pancreatic cancer this August.  Doctors normally do not give chemo to a man of 80 years but my grandpa's health and strength allowed him to get the treatment.  I found out the day I moved in he had cancer again.  I saw the effects of the treatment over fall break as he fell walking to the car after my brother's football game.  I saw further effects Thanksgiving when the burly, strong, protective man I will always remember him as, was nothing but skin and bones.  The first time I saw him like this was when he went through chemo the first time.  I was 8 and had nightmares for months after he was all better.  I hate seeing the man I adore and see as my hero so weak and helpless.  I hate it too because he does.  He has been done with chemo for two months and although we know he will have cancer till he passes we jumped for joy as the large tumor on his pancreas decreased and many of the small ones were gone.  His life was extended, for how long we don't know, but we at least got more then two weeks with him.  Him and my grandma headed to Florida and he has been slowly getting better.  Until today.  He has a block in his liver and he will need surgery.  He is weak and malnourished due to the fact he can't eat.   My grandma is very positive and believes he will be ok after the surgery Friday.  She is a saint. My grandpa told me today that she has been his rock and has been the best thing through all of this, just for him.  My gramps is tired but he is the strongest man I know.  Always going the extra mile for my brother and I and being the positive force I need to get me through anything.  He doesn't know about my depression but he seems to get it.  He is one of the few people I can say truly gets me.  He is forever my best friend and although it is rough to talk to him during this without showing him I am upset I am more then blessed to have been able to talk to him today and I will count every day as a blessing when I do get to.

valentines day, not capitalized for a reason because it is my least favorite holiday and really never has had much importance to me except for the fact my best friend, Kourtney, and I will not be sharing a Papa John's Heart shaped pizza together (it is capitalized because all food is important!).  And when I say share I mean we each eat half of a family sized pizza....., plus cookies later.....and maybe a liter of soda. valentines day is emotional for us single girls! This year though I am not single!  Well sort of...but not at ALL.  My love is busy doing other things of more importance! In his absence though his amazing family stepped in and sent me the most amazing bouquet of flowers on Monday!

They hoped it would put a smile to my face and it sure did.  I couldn't stop smiling as I held back the tears, walking up five flights of stairs, and then today when I was feeling overwhelmed they reminded me I only had two more weeks.  I am beyond blessed to have been able to fall into this family so quickly.  The saying is you don't go looking for love, it will find you and it sure did with Kyle and I.  Neither of us were looking.  Heck we thought it was just a summer thing!  But here we are eight months later after me leaving for college and him in bootcamp still going strong.  Two more weeks till I see my Valentine and Airman.  Love you Kyle David Gibson!! I become more and more proud of you everyday!!

For anyone who has had anxiety attacks you know how bad they are.  Your chest gets heavy, breathing is difficult and sometimes nonexistent, you're crying because you either can't emotionally handle something or you are scared about what is happening to you.  My first anxiety attack was not as bad as later ones but it scared me and I didn't know what was going on.  I continued to have them.  Slowly they would come until now I deal with them on a weekly basis.  Different things trigger them and sometimes they happen and you don't know what did trigger them.  That was this week for me.  I had a busy long week but I normally thrive under those conditions.  Loving the people I am with and loving even more my sleep I rarely get!  Thursday thru Saturday they were relentless.  All you can do is lay in bed and pretend like you are ok so thats what I did.  Finally Saturday my big called and said I don't care what you have you are hanging out with me tonight.  We did and we talked about everything under the sun which helped so much.  Today I attended church with her and the pastor was preaching on why we can interpret the bible as historically correct.  What I got from the sermon though is the need and desire I have to read the bible.  It has always brought a calming sensation over me as I find passages that show me what I am going through will get better.
Sunday I also had an amazing experience I am so honored I got to be apart of.  I got to see my big, Kierra, get baptized!

We may not see each other too often but this girl has already become so important to me.  She is my inspiration for my faith now and she always has the best advice.  God put us together for a reason and finding out more and more about her makes me realize that reason everyday.  I am so utterly proud of this girl and so happy I get to call her my big!

This week has been an odd one.  I am finally at the point were Kyle being gone only got to me a couple of times.  I have been in a great mood the last couple of days even with dealing with roommate issues.  Thats another thing.  A bit of advice to those people thinking their roommate will be their best friend....its not true and things do change from the beginning of the year to second semester.  I have also been reminded of God's love for us.  I have seen him all week in little acts people have been doing for me, in the beautiful weather we have had, but most of all in my sisters and the real friends I have made here.  I came into this semester determined to be a part of a group that I have found out doesn't want or need me and I am ok with that.  I got to spend my day yesterday really focused on my studies and then joking around with some of the most wonderful and hilarious girls there are.  I'm glad God has put these woman in my life because if I would have gone with the group mention before I would be a jealous, uptight, and sneaking person I found myself becoming last semester and I hated myself for it.  I also got to talk to my best friend from home.  We haven't talked for a month but no matter how long it may be we always go on for hours and laugh until we are both crying.  That is true friendship.  Someone who tells you what they think but then supports you no matter what your decision.  She is always willing to listen to me no matter what is going on in her life and I will always do the same for her.  I miss her like crazy but I know she will be the maid of honor next to me on my wedding day and the one who's kids I will always tell mine they need to marry so we can actually be family.  Not only did that put me in a good mood and make my week that much better but today is my grandpa's 81st birthday.  A month and a half ago we didn't know if we would be celebrating this day with him here.  He was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and at age 80 they normally don't give chemo.  My grandpa told the doctor's he would fight and fight he has.  We may not know how long he has left and he is very weak but he is here and living life to the fullest!  He is my mentor, my strength and most of all my best friend.  His approval and pride in me is something I will never want from anyone else as much as I do from him.  One of my best friends lost that person today.  Her grandmother passed and she was so close to her.  My heart and prayers go out to her family.  I can't imagine what they are going through.  Things like this make you grateful for what you have and I am so grateful for my grandpa and all he has done for me.  The last few weeks have been a lot of reflecting but it has been good and I am oh so excited for the future!
On a more positive happy note Kyle's flight won the polar bear 5k which is so exciting and those points go into their total score to be the best flight there!! I know Kyle is pushing himself so hard to do his best and I can't explain how proud I am of him!  Tomorrow is letter day! Yay!

It's Friday and still no letter.  I think I have checked the mailbox at least a dozen times. Got mad at the mail for not being fast enough, mad at Kyle for not writing and mad at the front desk lady for not putting the mail out faster.  Although this anger passed through my head I realized after talking to Kyle's family about the letter they received I am not being rational.  Yes I have time to write Kyle everyday but that is because I stay up till one to do so.  I don't have to get up at six and not rest until I go to bed.  I get to take a nap, watch movies and just hang out with my friends.  Kyle doesn't get to do that.  He has a small amount of time and I would so much rather him use that to write someone else, use it to catch up on his sleep or just hang out with the guys.  I hopefully have a long time with Kyle and I have had so many moments with him so many others haven't and I need to be grateful for that.
I went through my first really rough day without Kyle.  My mom's best friend's husband died a year ago yesterday.  I knew him through out my childhood and although our parents were not super close after we moved my mom was still very close with Lisa.  In fact my mom was the first phone call Lisa made when Ed was diagnosed with oral cancer. A cancer that has a very low survival rate.  He fought so hard as did Lisa and I had the privilege to visit with him six months before his passing.  I will always remember the day my mom got the phone call.  I walked in the family room to find her on the couch.  The minute she saw me she broke down and I knew.  She said Lisa had called her at work three times.  A mess each one.  My mom and ran our half marathon four months earlier in his honor and sent him our medals.  13.1 is officially his number now to his family and mine.  He is one of my inspirations.  His wife is my hero.  She is one of the most loving, caring, optimistic and strong people I know.  She has four boys ranging in age from a seventh grader to the oldest who just graduated college a semester early.  She misses Ed dearly and I cried several times yesterday thinking about how she was handling the day.  They were high school sweet hearts and after twenty plus years of marriage they were still madly in love.  A love everyone should experience.
Not only was yesterday a rough day for me it was a day of reflection for this coming semester.  I had previously decided I was going to go out, let loose a bit but still focus on school and health.  After my interview with Workcamps and several people on my floor getting MIP's I debated my previous statement.  Did I really want to go out like that.  I would so much rather stay in with a few people and watch movies and stuff our faces with pizza.  Drinking has never been a big deal to me.  Here it seems to be one of the major ways people meet which has sucked for me.
There has been a lot of reflection and changes on my part and I think the hardest part is not being able to talk about it with my best friend.  Kyle and I clicked right off the back with how much we communicated about everything.  Things going on that day, our goals, the future, and things we loved.  I can't wait till I can talk to him about anything! That day is getting closer and closer!

Tuesday....four classes, three of which are an hour and fifteen minutes, and then a lab that is an hour and fifty-five minutes.
Tuesday.....the day after Monday so basically the first day of the week sense Monday is just Monday.
Tuesday.....the fourth day my parents have been in sunny Florida, without me.
Tuesday.....the day before the interview that could change my summer...actually my life.
Tuesday.....the day Kyle had his first day of basic, and the first day not talking to him....at all.
Tuesday.....my busiest day but my most rewarding.
Tuesday.....when the world seems the craziest but I find the beauty in the little things.
I have always been someone who has become overwhelmed when I have a lot of things going on at once but I seem to produce my best work when I am being pulled in a thousand directions at once.  I love knowing I got through my day where I only had an hour of rest.  Although it stresses me way out to prepare and plan for these days I know I will be able to make it through.  It also helps having Kyle's motivation.  Although I would rather have him telling me himself to keep going and get good grades or he will fight me (actually won't fight me promise), I constantly have found myself the last week and a half thinking about how hard he is working.  What I am doing or have to do is nothing compared to the workouts and things he has to learn in eight and a half weeks. He is my motivation.  My motivation to get through this semester with good grades.  My motivation to train as hard as I can for a full marathon.  Although he is my motivation I know I must do these things for myself as well.  I have a lot of hard classes coming up in the next two years and I want to instill a good work ethic within myself so that I am ready for a bigger work load.  I want to be healthy and reach a goal I have wanted to do sense I started running.
Sense Kyle has been in basic I have found I talk about him and I A LOT.  It's normal for you to talk about the person you are with.  That person is your other half.  The one you spend most time with, have inside jokes with and talk to the most.  Its easy to talk about them or how you feel about them.  My feelings for Kyle have grown sense he has been in basic.  Now I don't know yet if its because I miss him or the fact that I am so proud of everything he is doing but when I start researching Air Force stuff I get super excited, and I'm pretty sure my roommate hates me, but I can't help talking about what I have found.  It connects me too him and thats what I want right now.  But I am starting to see that I need to also focus on myself.  Research things I am interested in.  Yes I love Kyle and yes I want to know a lot about his future career but we are two different people.  A healthy relationship shares a lot of things but each person needs to have their own things too.
Tuesday.....marks three weeks without the boy but only five and a half more to go!