Valentines Day.....
I have never been a fan.  In fact the only positive to this day that I did like was I always made cupcakes for my friends at school.  With so much change this last year I shouldn't have been surprised that I didn't make cupcakes this year and I actually wanted to celebrate the day with the man I love. Now when I say celebrate I mean order a heart shaped pizza from Papa John's and stuff our faces while we watched funny movies.  No presents, no fancy dinner, just us together.  Thats what I have been wanting the most for the last week.  Kyle did give me the best present I have ever received for valentines day.  He gave me letters that I will read until the day I get to see him.  He has never been one that is love dovey but these letters make me fall in love with him more and more.  I was sad last week when I didn't get a letter but the "stupid head" (his words not mine) put his address for the send address instead of mine!  He's a goober but I love him.  Its crazy how much some days and what reminds me of him.  I never was the girl to have flings and I never dated someone just because or someone I had just met.  Kyle was different.  I knew him all of high school but senior year we became fast friends and our summer fling ended up being something I am excited to wake up to knowing he is my other half.  He makes me drive for bigger and better things and be the best person I can be.  That is someone worth fighting and waiting for.  I've never been the girl to think I will be with someone forever but with Kyle....its easy.  I know the next how many years he is in will be hard but like my mom and his mom said, if anyone can make it we can.  As boot camp gets done I find myself realizing not just you much I love Kyle but how much I need him.  With my grandpa's emergency visit/surgery and the positives going on in my life I just want to tell him everything.  He is my rock, my best friend, my hero, and the man I'm excited to spend future Valentine's days with.  10 MORE DAYS!!!!

As the news of Obama wanting to send more troops to the middle east soon to fight ISIS hit me at the heart, not only knowing this may affect Kyle but also my cousin who is in the Navy, my heart sank more when I found out my grandpa, my best friend, was admitted to the hospital today.  He was diagnosed with liver and pancreatic cancer this August.  Doctors normally do not give chemo to a man of 80 years but my grandpa's health and strength allowed him to get the treatment.  I found out the day I moved in he had cancer again.  I saw the effects of the treatment over fall break as he fell walking to the car after my brother's football game.  I saw further effects Thanksgiving when the burly, strong, protective man I will always remember him as, was nothing but skin and bones.  The first time I saw him like this was when he went through chemo the first time.  I was 8 and had nightmares for months after he was all better.  I hate seeing the man I adore and see as my hero so weak and helpless.  I hate it too because he does.  He has been done with chemo for two months and although we know he will have cancer till he passes we jumped for joy as the large tumor on his pancreas decreased and many of the small ones were gone.  His life was extended, for how long we don't know, but we at least got more then two weeks with him.  Him and my grandma headed to Florida and he has been slowly getting better.  Until today.  He has a block in his liver and he will need surgery.  He is weak and malnourished due to the fact he can't eat.   My grandma is very positive and believes he will be ok after the surgery Friday.  She is a saint. My grandpa told me today that she has been his rock and has been the best thing through all of this, just for him.  My gramps is tired but he is the strongest man I know.  Always going the extra mile for my brother and I and being the positive force I need to get me through anything.  He doesn't know about my depression but he seems to get it.  He is one of the few people I can say truly gets me.  He is forever my best friend and although it is rough to talk to him during this without showing him I am upset I am more then blessed to have been able to talk to him today and I will count every day as a blessing when I do get to.

valentines day, not capitalized for a reason because it is my least favorite holiday and really never has had much importance to me except for the fact my best friend, Kourtney, and I will not be sharing a Papa John's Heart shaped pizza together (it is capitalized because all food is important!).  And when I say share I mean we each eat half of a family sized pizza....., plus cookies later.....and maybe a liter of soda. valentines day is emotional for us single girls! This year though I am not single!  Well sort of...but not at ALL.  My love is busy doing other things of more importance! In his absence though his amazing family stepped in and sent me the most amazing bouquet of flowers on Monday!

They hoped it would put a smile to my face and it sure did.  I couldn't stop smiling as I held back the tears, walking up five flights of stairs, and then today when I was feeling overwhelmed they reminded me I only had two more weeks.  I am beyond blessed to have been able to fall into this family so quickly.  The saying is you don't go looking for love, it will find you and it sure did with Kyle and I.  Neither of us were looking.  Heck we thought it was just a summer thing!  But here we are eight months later after me leaving for college and him in bootcamp still going strong.  Two more weeks till I see my Valentine and Airman.  Love you Kyle David Gibson!! I become more and more proud of you everyday!!

For anyone who has had anxiety attacks you know how bad they are.  Your chest gets heavy, breathing is difficult and sometimes nonexistent, you're crying because you either can't emotionally handle something or you are scared about what is happening to you.  My first anxiety attack was not as bad as later ones but it scared me and I didn't know what was going on.  I continued to have them.  Slowly they would come until now I deal with them on a weekly basis.  Different things trigger them and sometimes they happen and you don't know what did trigger them.  That was this week for me.  I had a busy long week but I normally thrive under those conditions.  Loving the people I am with and loving even more my sleep I rarely get!  Thursday thru Saturday they were relentless.  All you can do is lay in bed and pretend like you are ok so thats what I did.  Finally Saturday my big called and said I don't care what you have you are hanging out with me tonight.  We did and we talked about everything under the sun which helped so much.  Today I attended church with her and the pastor was preaching on why we can interpret the bible as historically correct.  What I got from the sermon though is the need and desire I have to read the bible.  It has always brought a calming sensation over me as I find passages that show me what I am going through will get better.
Sunday I also had an amazing experience I am so honored I got to be apart of.  I got to see my big, Kierra, get baptized!

We may not see each other too often but this girl has already become so important to me.  She is my inspiration for my faith now and she always has the best advice.  God put us together for a reason and finding out more and more about her makes me realize that reason everyday.  I am so utterly proud of this girl and so happy I get to call her my big!