So I'm back but this blog is kinda changing in direction. Life decisions change our perspective in life and my decision to become a member of the Army National Guard definitely has changed a lot.  I have an amazing recruiter here in Normal and she gave me a book called Mind Gym by Gary Mack and David Casstevens. I've decided to read a chapter a day, along with my bible, just as a reflection everyday.  As I have been reading though I have found lots of things in this book that could be helpful not only to myself but others looking to put more of a mental edge to their daily lives.  This could make you want to read the book or, for many of my friends who don't like reading, make you come back and read my blog!  After Mind Games I'm not quite sure what to read so if anyone has any suggestions you know how to reach me, but I would like to continue this until I leave in November.  So hope you guys enjoy!  If not....well too bad :)

Mind Games: Responsibility Psychology
"What has benefited me the most is learning I can't control what happens outside of my pitching"
-Greg Maddux
"My message is simple: take control of your life"
-Charles Barkley

This chapter was all about knowing what you can and can't control.  At basic I'll be able to control how I perform but not the other people in my company.  I want us all to succeed but that isn't going to be the case.  Along with this we all have the RESPONSIBILITY to shape our life the way we want it to be.  For those that played softball or baseball you can't blame the pitcher or the fielders for the loss.  Its a team effort but you can take responsibility for how YOU performed and no one else.  Mack says "Successful people take responsibility for themselves and their game." But this responsibility isn't in the actions you did during a play but more how you react to the situation.  Do you shut down when you aren't performing as well as you would like or are you going to push through it and tell yourself you will do better.  The mental game is huge while playing sports but we can use this mentality in daily life.  Are you going to half ass your job because you haven't had a good day or are you going to give all you can because your job means something to someone.  Are you going to let yourself get into a sucky relationship again or are you going wait for something better and be ok with that.  We make decisions in life we have to take responsibility for because our decisions and how we react effects us our whole lives.

I'm back! So it's been a crazy two months and I'm glad to say things are settling down and I can blog again so here are the happenings of my life the last few months!
Kyle's graduation weekend was a busy, relaxing and much needed time with the boy and his family.  I got to see him and hang out with his amazing parents and get to know them more.
Day 1

 

First time seeing Kyle was a whole lot of emotions at once.  I was so proud and didn't know what to say or do but although I know I couldn't all I wanted to do was run down and hug him but the ceremony was very special and I'm so glad I was able to be there and see it. 

Kyle's flight got Honors!!!! So they are right in the front with there sister flight (all girl flight) right behind them. 

David of course had to capture the first hug we had had in TWO months.  I of course was crying not knowing what to say and wanting to hold him as long as I could.  At first the look on his face made me mad but then I realized it was his I'm really happy look and I was better!  I know I wasn't suppose to but I just kept letting go looking at him for a second and hugging him again.  I can't tell you how I felt in that moment because I really can't remember a lot of it.  I just know I was happier then I have ever been. 

One of my favorite pictures the whole weekend! Love him in his AVU's.

There was an area with a lot of planes that had been used in war.  This is just one of many that Kyle's mom wanted to take with him.  He hated pictures before his graduation, pretty sure he loathes them now. 

 Day 2

Donnie, David, me, Michelle, and Karen froze our butts off at Kyle's actually graduation Friday.  It was 20 in Texas BUT we would do anything for the boy. 

The flights were a little farther from us for graduation. Kyle's flight was the far left. 

Kyle's flight walking by!

He was looking for the rest of his boys but its the only picture I have of him in his blues coat. 

He caught me lackin on Friday....

But then I got him Sunday :). 

Friday at the hotel before we had to send him back to base.  It was hard to say goodbye every night at 7 but I was grateful for the time we got.

Day 3 or Saturday was just a chill day and I found out I don't have any pictures from that day but it was really fun to just nap, play cards and eat pizza, in Kyle's case a full pizza, with him and his family.  Its always been the little things in life that matter. 

 Day 4 Last day :(

Cracker Barrel for breakfast on Sunday. 

I've always got a smile for his oh so serious face.  Other people find him scary but I don't think so. 

And another one of us being us. 

We went to a really fun restaurant called Rita's for a late lunch before saying goodbye to Kyle.  Donnie of course had to call the band over to sing with to me.  Gotta love em!

David's drink was huge! Donnie took this picture so I could send it to my mom and play a prank on her.  She just said she wished she was there to have one too. 

We took a lot of pictures and made a lot of memories this weekend but I think my favorite was one that didn't concern Kyle and I as a couple.  It was when we went to chapel on Sunday.  Connor, Kyle's brother left three weeks after Kyle for basic and because of this they were going to go a long time without seeing each other.  Fortunately this wasn't the case because Connor was chapel guide when we went to church.  The second he saw Kyle in his blues he broke down and gave him a huge hug and kept saying congratulations.  Kyle was worked up to which is saying something.  It was the best moment the whole weekend and I'm so glad the boys got to see each other.
For anyone who has gone through basic with a significant other you'll agree with me that it is the best and worst thing to happen to your relationship.  Kyle and I both saw what we cherished about our relationship a little more and we saw how much we wanted this to work.  But it also brings up questions.  Kyle is one that will go for back to back deployments and not be home much until he is done with the Air Force, whenever that maybe.  Its been a month sense graduation and we have had our struggles but we also have come to appreciate not only how much we really need each other but our family and friends that are supporting us.  I saw this over my spring break when my grandfather died.

He was and still is my best friend.  I mentioned in a previous post how he had was suffering from pancreatic cancer. I called him as much as I could once I had to go back and I slowly realized how sick he was getting just from his voice.  He was the one to call me after every game, on every birthday and holiday and just to say you can do it.  He was a talker just like me but he was one of the only people that I could just sit and listen to for hours.  He taught me how to stick up for myself, how to love with everything you have and never let go when you have something you want.  He made mistakes in his past, but to me he was my hero, the man that will never be beat, and the one that forever will be who I am trying to make proud.  He fought like hell and I know he's playing gulf in heaven waiting for me to get there so he can teach me more.  

Unfortunately when my grandfather died Kyle was just getting busy at his base and could not be there for me as much as he wanted to.  His family was more then I could ask for.  They were making sure I was ok and although they were in Florida when the funeral happened the next week they were constantly making sure I was ok and I couldn't have asked for anything better.  Because all of this though I was taking my anger out on Kyle as he was taking his out on me.  Rough patches happen and especially with distance.  It sucks but if you get through it all you come out so much stronger.  Thats exactly what has happened and although my grandpa isn't here to tell me if I am making the right decisions I know he is helping to guide me through all of this.

Valentines Day.....
I have never been a fan.  In fact the only positive to this day that I did like was I always made cupcakes for my friends at school.  With so much change this last year I shouldn't have been surprised that I didn't make cupcakes this year and I actually wanted to celebrate the day with the man I love. Now when I say celebrate I mean order a heart shaped pizza from Papa John's and stuff our faces while we watched funny movies.  No presents, no fancy dinner, just us together.  Thats what I have been wanting the most for the last week.  Kyle did give me the best present I have ever received for valentines day.  He gave me letters that I will read until the day I get to see him.  He has never been one that is love dovey but these letters make me fall in love with him more and more.  I was sad last week when I didn't get a letter but the "stupid head" (his words not mine) put his address for the send address instead of mine!  He's a goober but I love him.  Its crazy how much some days and what reminds me of him.  I never was the girl to have flings and I never dated someone just because or someone I had just met.  Kyle was different.  I knew him all of high school but senior year we became fast friends and our summer fling ended up being something I am excited to wake up to knowing he is my other half.  He makes me drive for bigger and better things and be the best person I can be.  That is someone worth fighting and waiting for.  I've never been the girl to think I will be with someone forever but with Kyle....its easy.  I know the next how many years he is in will be hard but like my mom and his mom said, if anyone can make it we can.  As boot camp gets done I find myself realizing not just you much I love Kyle but how much I need him.  With my grandpa's emergency visit/surgery and the positives going on in my life I just want to tell him everything.  He is my rock, my best friend, my hero, and the man I'm excited to spend future Valentine's days with.  10 MORE DAYS!!!!

As the news of Obama wanting to send more troops to the middle east soon to fight ISIS hit me at the heart, not only knowing this may affect Kyle but also my cousin who is in the Navy, my heart sank more when I found out my grandpa, my best friend, was admitted to the hospital today.  He was diagnosed with liver and pancreatic cancer this August.  Doctors normally do not give chemo to a man of 80 years but my grandpa's health and strength allowed him to get the treatment.  I found out the day I moved in he had cancer again.  I saw the effects of the treatment over fall break as he fell walking to the car after my brother's football game.  I saw further effects Thanksgiving when the burly, strong, protective man I will always remember him as, was nothing but skin and bones.  The first time I saw him like this was when he went through chemo the first time.  I was 8 and had nightmares for months after he was all better.  I hate seeing the man I adore and see as my hero so weak and helpless.  I hate it too because he does.  He has been done with chemo for two months and although we know he will have cancer till he passes we jumped for joy as the large tumor on his pancreas decreased and many of the small ones were gone.  His life was extended, for how long we don't know, but we at least got more then two weeks with him.  Him and my grandma headed to Florida and he has been slowly getting better.  Until today.  He has a block in his liver and he will need surgery.  He is weak and malnourished due to the fact he can't eat.   My grandma is very positive and believes he will be ok after the surgery Friday.  She is a saint. My grandpa told me today that she has been his rock and has been the best thing through all of this, just for him.  My gramps is tired but he is the strongest man I know.  Always going the extra mile for my brother and I and being the positive force I need to get me through anything.  He doesn't know about my depression but he seems to get it.  He is one of the few people I can say truly gets me.  He is forever my best friend and although it is rough to talk to him during this without showing him I am upset I am more then blessed to have been able to talk to him today and I will count every day as a blessing when I do get to.

valentines day, not capitalized for a reason because it is my least favorite holiday and really never has had much importance to me except for the fact my best friend, Kourtney, and I will not be sharing a Papa John's Heart shaped pizza together (it is capitalized because all food is important!).  And when I say share I mean we each eat half of a family sized pizza....., plus cookies later.....and maybe a liter of soda. valentines day is emotional for us single girls! This year though I am not single!  Well sort of...but not at ALL.  My love is busy doing other things of more importance! In his absence though his amazing family stepped in and sent me the most amazing bouquet of flowers on Monday!

They hoped it would put a smile to my face and it sure did.  I couldn't stop smiling as I held back the tears, walking up five flights of stairs, and then today when I was feeling overwhelmed they reminded me I only had two more weeks.  I am beyond blessed to have been able to fall into this family so quickly.  The saying is you don't go looking for love, it will find you and it sure did with Kyle and I.  Neither of us were looking.  Heck we thought it was just a summer thing!  But here we are eight months later after me leaving for college and him in bootcamp still going strong.  Two more weeks till I see my Valentine and Airman.  Love you Kyle David Gibson!! I become more and more proud of you everyday!!

For anyone who has had anxiety attacks you know how bad they are.  Your chest gets heavy, breathing is difficult and sometimes nonexistent, you're crying because you either can't emotionally handle something or you are scared about what is happening to you.  My first anxiety attack was not as bad as later ones but it scared me and I didn't know what was going on.  I continued to have them.  Slowly they would come until now I deal with them on a weekly basis.  Different things trigger them and sometimes they happen and you don't know what did trigger them.  That was this week for me.  I had a busy long week but I normally thrive under those conditions.  Loving the people I am with and loving even more my sleep I rarely get!  Thursday thru Saturday they were relentless.  All you can do is lay in bed and pretend like you are ok so thats what I did.  Finally Saturday my big called and said I don't care what you have you are hanging out with me tonight.  We did and we talked about everything under the sun which helped so much.  Today I attended church with her and the pastor was preaching on why we can interpret the bible as historically correct.  What I got from the sermon though is the need and desire I have to read the bible.  It has always brought a calming sensation over me as I find passages that show me what I am going through will get better.
Sunday I also had an amazing experience I am so honored I got to be apart of.  I got to see my big, Kierra, get baptized!

We may not see each other too often but this girl has already become so important to me.  She is my inspiration for my faith now and she always has the best advice.  God put us together for a reason and finding out more and more about her makes me realize that reason everyday.  I am so utterly proud of this girl and so happy I get to call her my big!

This week has been an odd one.  I am finally at the point were Kyle being gone only got to me a couple of times.  I have been in a great mood the last couple of days even with dealing with roommate issues.  Thats another thing.  A bit of advice to those people thinking their roommate will be their best friend....its not true and things do change from the beginning of the year to second semester.  I have also been reminded of God's love for us.  I have seen him all week in little acts people have been doing for me, in the beautiful weather we have had, but most of all in my sisters and the real friends I have made here.  I came into this semester determined to be a part of a group that I have found out doesn't want or need me and I am ok with that.  I got to spend my day yesterday really focused on my studies and then joking around with some of the most wonderful and hilarious girls there are.  I'm glad God has put these woman in my life because if I would have gone with the group mention before I would be a jealous, uptight, and sneaking person I found myself becoming last semester and I hated myself for it.  I also got to talk to my best friend from home.  We haven't talked for a month but no matter how long it may be we always go on for hours and laugh until we are both crying.  That is true friendship.  Someone who tells you what they think but then supports you no matter what your decision.  She is always willing to listen to me no matter what is going on in her life and I will always do the same for her.  I miss her like crazy but I know she will be the maid of honor next to me on my wedding day and the one who's kids I will always tell mine they need to marry so we can actually be family.  Not only did that put me in a good mood and make my week that much better but today is my grandpa's 81st birthday.  A month and a half ago we didn't know if we would be celebrating this day with him here.  He was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and at age 80 they normally don't give chemo.  My grandpa told the doctor's he would fight and fight he has.  We may not know how long he has left and he is very weak but he is here and living life to the fullest!  He is my mentor, my strength and most of all my best friend.  His approval and pride in me is something I will never want from anyone else as much as I do from him.  One of my best friends lost that person today.  Her grandmother passed and she was so close to her.  My heart and prayers go out to her family.  I can't imagine what they are going through.  Things like this make you grateful for what you have and I am so grateful for my grandpa and all he has done for me.  The last few weeks have been a lot of reflecting but it has been good and I am oh so excited for the future!
On a more positive happy note Kyle's flight won the polar bear 5k which is so exciting and those points go into their total score to be the best flight there!! I know Kyle is pushing himself so hard to do his best and I can't explain how proud I am of him!  Tomorrow is letter day! Yay!